Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
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If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
[House Hunters]
*sitting in a blind, in the wilderness, waiting for a house to come*
*chimney slowly appears on the horizon*
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now