Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
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The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Would I miss my leg or my arm more?
(me, lying in bed, deciding which to put outside the blanket for the monster under the bed to rip off)
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
WIFE: Why is the zoo calling us about a missing coyote?
ME: [bleeding profusely] So… not a dog
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
(burglar breaks into my house)
me: Reginald, kill!
pet caterpillar: *scooch scooch scooch*
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
Paid my mortgage so don’t ask me to come out. I’m getting my moneys worth.
me: what’s your favorite book
her: I love 1984
me: just pick one
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*