Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
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[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
girlfriend: [seductively] is there anything new you’d like to try in bed
me: maybe spaghetti but I’d probably make a mess
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
[Morgan Freeman voice] Isolated from his group, this penguin will not survive
[penguin voice] Hey dude, I can hear you.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
me: I’m stuck in a time loop
friend: *sighing* is your watch on too tight
me: my watch is on too tight 🙂
“what that mouth do?” complain
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”