cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
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My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Drinking alone last week
– depressing
– antisocial
– i “have a problem”Drinking alone today at 11 am
– conscientious
– courageous
– saving your nana’s life
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Breaking news:
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.