Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
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Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
Hi, I’m Megan. You may know me from such public encounters with kids as “No, YOUR face is stupid” and “I didn’t trip you, you fell”.
You’d think Bowser would start locking the front door of his castle after the first time Mario just walked right in like he owned the joint.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]