The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
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you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
So after my kids had been whining all day, I cheerfully told them: “I’ve got some good news, guys!”
They stop crying long enough to ask what it was but apparently telling them I just saved a bunch of money on car insurance wasn’t the news they were hoping for.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Went to the grocery store hungry. I didn’t need to pay rent this month anyway.
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here