GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
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suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
I’m “my wife will just leave me behind if I loiter too long at Target” years married.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
being a writer on Twitter:
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
me: did you know beethoven was deaf
date: the dog?
me: of course the dog
[at the general store]
me: one general please
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Get out, RUN! That DM was coming from INSIDE THE HOUSE
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers