One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
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I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Me: Did you finish the banana bread?
16: yep
Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.
16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
When your boss says “You need help”, he never means a hitman.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive