My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
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Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
*Inspirational Tweets*
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: At the start of this year, I never could’ve guessed I’d be in debt to a raccoon
Friend: Animal Crossing is pretty fun though
Me: What’s Animal Crossing?
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire