DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
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“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Even in a suit, Matthew McConaughey looks like he’s just been rescued after two weeks lost in the desert.
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
opening twitter today
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
okay run it by me one more time
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Whatcha eating over there? It sounds crunchy.
Hannibal Lecter: Doritoes
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
DOCTOR SNAIL: *out of breath* I got here as fast as I could. How’s the patient?
NURSE: *Pointing to a skeleton in the bed* Not good
What a wicked game you play
To make me feel this way
What a wicked thing to do
Detective Pikachu
FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school
ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah
*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*
ME: ive never felt better in my life
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…
…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.