Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
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Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
[first day as Uber driver]
ME: Are you Keith?
Ronald McDonald statue sitting on a bench:
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged