NARRATOR: When camping be wary of savage bears trying to take your food
*camera pans to a bear holding glass of wine with a wtf expression
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The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
Spider-Man: Hey. Are you okay?
Thor: It’s just not my day.
Spider-Man: Well it is Thursday though.
Thor:
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.