There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
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Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
American: Your forest fire smoke is disgusting. Keep it up there!
Canadian: Sorry, but have you tried building a wall about it?
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?
Taco bail.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
I threw out a jar of expired protein powder and some jacked up raccoons beat the shit out of me a week later.
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
Apparently I have an on again off again relationship with reality. I just can never tell which one.
*pets unicorn*
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.