Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
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WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Guys I’ve misplaced one of my gold cubes, please let me know if it turns up.
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
“old Victorian houses are charming”
I AM WEARING THREE SWEATSHIRTS AND TWO PAIRS OF PJ PANTS UNDER TWO BLANKETS AND I AM STILL SO FRIGGEN COLD RIGHT NOW OK SO CHARMING CAN ***K RIGHT OFF
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.