It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
You Might Also Like
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight