Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
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Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
Now that the coronation is over, perhaps King Charles will respond to my proposal for a noble quest.
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Still boggled by the people I know who are going out to bars saying “we can defeat this if we’re not afraid” and I’m like “this isn’t Pennywise it’s a PANDEMIC”
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
Okay, I’m still confused…
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?