My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
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me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
I can’t have a boyfriend because my clean laundry goes on the other side of my bed.
Before NASA sent Curiosity, Mars was bustling with cats.
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Sure, my bologna has a first name, but he’s a stickler for manners so he insists we still call him Mr. Bologna.
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
‘Did you hear, Tim died.’
Oh no, was it serious?
Condoms aren’t completely safe. A friend of mine was wearing one and got hit by a bus.
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.