It’s all about how much devastation you can leave in your wake.
-kids
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Moth 1: Such a great day for flying
Moth 2: No wind at all…perfect
Moth 1: Where should be go?
Moth 2: We cou-[semi-truck drives by]
Moth 1 (looking around): Hello? Stan?
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Them: Say something in Japanese!
Me, put on the spot, (In Japanese): Momentarily, the local train bound for Tokyo will arrive on platform 2. Please stand behind the yellow warning line.
Them: Wow! What does it mean?
Me: It’s an ancient Japanese proverb
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
Perfect
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Delicious if literal: in a pickle.
A good wedding prank is to say “I do” but just before the priest pronounces you man and wife, add “…karate.”
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Wait for it
Is it still a walk of shame if I’m leaving my own house?
It ain’t like I’m proud of what happened in there.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.