I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
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So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
how do I gracefully leave this party early but also take the queso dip with me
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
technically true but not a great slogan
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
Decaffeinated coffee is just muddy water.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
How actors in movies eat their food
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket