[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
this is the most humiliating day of my life
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
You gotta sprinkle in a few yeahs with those uh huhs or else they’re gonna know
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Yes Pony Express?
I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn’t get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
My son unloading the dishwasher literally sounds like he dumped the whole thing on the floor & I should probably go look but I haven’t heard any screaming so I think we’re good.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
Monday Lisa
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”