Me: “Do you have any songs you’re really hoping to learn in piano lessons?”
7 yo boy, dead serious: “Well my main goal for being here is really to learn The Muffin Man.”
You got it, brother. 🫡
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Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
accurate
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?
guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true