Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
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i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Some apples don’t fall far from the tree, BUT other apples catch a good roll and keep rolling…and rolling…and rolling..
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod