All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
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*mugger snatching Elsa’s purse
Elsa: LET IT GO!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: CANT HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE!
Mugger: LET IT GO!
Elsa: LET IT GO!
They said good sex was all about chemistry, so I wore a lab coat & slept with a beaker.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
Judge: Guilty
Me: Sayyoudidwhat.
Judge: What did you say?
Me: Judge? Did you just reverse my sentence?
*Stage dives into cheering jury*
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
Oh, you don’t have a Valentine for Valentine’s Day? I didn’t have a groundhog for Groundhog Day.
Did you even think about that??
“Hey. My eye is up here.”
– hurricanes
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
What a beautiful crisp spring day. The birds are singing, the sun is shining and I’m seething with anger as I think about what someone said to me 25 years ago.
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it鈥檒l upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You鈥檒l be needing this, then
W: I despise you
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
2015: I can’t believe people think the dress is blue and black
2016: I hope the human race doesn’t destroy itself forever in violent chaos
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
Why do people say I鈥檓 washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 馃馃
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Everyone pointing out that it鈥檚 suspicious how many AI tools are free, it鈥檚 because building a tech company these days 100% revolves around giving people your product for free/at an extreme discount until they forget how to function without it, then closing the jaws of the trap
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I鈥檓 gonna make it angry
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to r茅sum茅.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don鈥檛 even have a garage.