This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
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Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
This week’s mood.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
I try not to get political on twitter, but cinderella’s step mom was a real piece of shit
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Thanksgiving is nothing like Halloween.
You can turn your lights off, it doesn’t even phase them, they still come to your door.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”