Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
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Me: hey did you buy ‘100 Count Tennis Balls’ from Amazon?
Wife: no
Dog: *pretending to read newspaper*
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
That’s me in the corner eating beef gravy with a fork
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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nurse: height
me: 6’4”
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
Ovenable?
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
My favorite female superhero
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I think long & hard before using innuendo.
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
They say a long, tight hug releases endorphins to make you feel calm and happy.
I think the guy in front of me at this DMV would disagree.
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
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