i want the dreams to chase me for once
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I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
*shrugs*
*swipes right*
Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
When my sister in-law was a waitress in Canada, she was taking drink orders from a group of Americans. They each ordered a glass of red wine. She suggested they choose a LITRE instead. They spoke among themselves and one man put up his hand and said – “I’ll be the leader.”
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.