Pro-Tip: if you check yourself into the asylum you get a bed, good meds and three squares a day without having to do any chores.
You Might Also Like
Captain: Does anyone have a hanky we can use for a white flag?
Me: Here Cap.
Captain: Does anyone have a clean hanky we can use for a white flag?
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
doctor: [pulling out anal beads]
me: this is embarrassing
doctor: sorry I should have done it before you arrived
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
Baking is just science you can eat.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
me: [trying to be cool af at the bar] gimme a beer
bartender: what kind
me: the…the drinking kind
Niece: A have a lot of friends named Nathan, there’s Nathan…(endless droning about nicknames)
Me: When they are together, do you call them The United Nathans?
(Not sure what happened after that because I was laughing hysterically at what may be the best dad joke ever made.)
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
If it looks like I’m typing for five minutes I’m really just trying to spell diarrhea.