Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
You Might Also Like
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Here is a poem for #NationalDrinkWineDay entitled “The Problem of Writing a Poem in the Shape of a Wine Glass”.
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…
to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.
Him: Do you want to watch a little TV?
Me: No. I want you to buy me a big one.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
I unironically love this joke.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
As a belated Valentine’s Day gift, I am leaving the country for a week.
My husband: how is that a gift if I have to take care of the kids alone?
Me: sorry I was talking to myself
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Just found out my parents have had a life insurance policy on me since I was 6mo old with them as the beneficiaries. I’m 44 now. I see they’re playing the long game…
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”