[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
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Imma just leave this here…………
I don’t need my father to tell me he’s proud of me, I need Muldoon from Jurassic Park to call me a clever girl when I sneak up on him in a jungle.
if u propose to your partner at my wedding i am shooting you with a gun
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
Just picturing a bunch of roombas praying to a statue of a full sized vacuum cleaner
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…