Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
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Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
*signing sign in sheet*
(to myself): This will be worth a lot once I’m famous.
Hospital Nurse: Alright let’s get that pea out of your ear.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
You’re technically never cheated on you were just in a surprise polyamorous relationship
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Get a dog from the shelter for your kids and you’re a hero
but get a hobo from the shelter to babysit your kids and everyone gets all upset
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.
Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.