Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
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If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
I accidentally spilled Coke on my husband’s shoes, so now I’m waiting to see which one of my kids acts like a jerk first so I know who to blame it on.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
❤️❤️❤️
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
Imhotep’s full name was In My Humble Opinion Tep
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
So, Tim Cook came out of the cloud?