And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
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no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
With a straight face, my neighbor asked me not to do yardwork when her boyfriend is outside.
So yes, I think they’re in a healthy relationship.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
When I’m feeling dangerous I like to play food poisoning roulette with the corner fast food sushi spot.
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
Yes, I would like to see a wine list, because I don’t mispronounce enough words in my day-to-day life.
Me: *lighting candles* don’t mind me, just setting the mood
Her: *backs out of elevator before doors close*
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.