You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
You Might Also Like
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
[onboard the titanic sinking] oh no i just ate
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
mcdonalds’s with a small walmart inside
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
me: this leaf blower is doing more harm than good. i want a refund
store manager: that’s a rocket launcher
Friend: You’re so calm and quiet lately- I like this peaceful side of you
Me [my brain rotating like an insanely out-of-control taffy machine]: haha thanks
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.