My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
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China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
She had a LITTLE lamb?
No way! I watched Mary make six trips to the buffet.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
taco bell menu is like ok we have exactly 9 ingredients. which of these 38 ways do you want them presented fo you
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
If you don’t like the idea of wiping someone’s ass in the middle of eating a delicious meal, you probably shouldn’t become a parent.
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.