My son graduated preschool last week, so naturally I’m saving all his artwork in the basement so I can give it to him when he’s 37.
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i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no
What’s my type? Someone who is supportive. Someone who is warm. Someone I can just curl up and relax with. Wait I’m describing my bed again.
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
when someone messages me a minute after i login to work
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Let’s do something we both know we’ll regret in the morning. Let’s order KFC for dinner.
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
How can I get invited to one of these knife fights everyone keeps talking about? Can we do it over zoom
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
making up a lame excuse to bail on plans
– transparent
– not cool dude
– you always do this“i can’t go… because of the curse”
– woah
– sounds serious
– not gonna ask too many questions
– i’ll just cancel next week’s plans too, hope u get this thing sorted out
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
we all know this pain all too well
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.