wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
I can raise kids just fine,
but keeping plants alive that
only need to be watered once
a month is apparently
out of my reach.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
If I wasn’t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn’t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
Yes officer, I’d like to file a restraining order against my dentist’s appointment reminder system.
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
After looking at pics from before my 7yr old was born she said “You’re really not as young and pretty anymore but I like how you look now because you look like my mom.”
* I mean aww sweet but also hello back handed compliment. This girl is fierce.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
Scientists please just tell us when the world is gonna end so I can stop working out
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
I wear a mask because I like to leave something to the imagination.
13: Want to drive me to school?
Me: Not really, that’s why you take the bus.
13: We can stop at Starbucks on the way.
Me: It’s not on the way.
13: I’ll pay.
Me: You should lead with that next time. Let’s go.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.