My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
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Cop: *Hands me ticket
“I’ll see you in court.”Me: *Seductively winks
“Sure is a lot of trouble just to see me again.”Cop: …
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Bird: *flies into my office window*
Me: yeah, same.
just having fun
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
idk what he going thru but i feel him
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
My type is 12 pt Helvetica.
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
date: *opening apt door* this is where the murder happens
me: OMG!
date: sorry magic happens haha I always confuse those two
me: phew
date: *locks door behind us* and now to magic you
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*