Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
You Might Also Like
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: *falls down entire staircase*
(20 full seconds of silence)
Dad: …careful.
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults… write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Unimpressed
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.