Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
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My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
💁🏻♂️
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest accomplishment?”
Me: “I was in a lot of people’s MySpace Top 8s back in 2004.”
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
I’m a long-term thinker. For instance, the green bananas I bought will be delicious in 2 days.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.