Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
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A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
It’s amazing how the lowly potato gives us potato chips, french fries, and vodka. Get your shit together, every other vegetable.
My wife suggested we go to the pub separately & relive our 1st date.
So she walked over to me and said “can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “sorry I’m married.”
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
I respect the tenacity of the Jurassic theme park investors who won’t stop trying to crack the profit formula for making money on murder monsters who keep eating the customers.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Hub said to go ahead and buy my own Valentine’s Day present.
Looks like he’s going to be very generous this year.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
I’m starting to wonder if I really am the ideal size and weight to test the town catapult or if the other townsfolk simply don’t like me.
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.