Ugh
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[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
work smarter, not harder
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
Hell yeah I’m a catholic i’ve been addicted to cats my whole life
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
Er, no; we’re clearly searching for firewood. Anything you wanna talk about, bro?
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani