Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
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If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
He wanted to role play doctor and patient, so I have him waiting in my living room next to my neighbour with the wet cough.
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Cop: You were speeding so I’m going to be giving you a ticket
Me: Ooh, could I win something
Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
Everyone has their talents. Mine is picking the grocery store checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
10 is trying to negotiate a later bedtime and just told me he thinks we treat him unfairly because we make him “sleep too much” and I just wish someone would treat *me* that unfairly.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
1:5 people in the world are Chinese. My family has 5 people so its either my mom, dad, brother Colin or Ho-Chan-Chu. I think it’s Colin