“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
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I haven’t been jogging since I tripped and broke my ego in several places.
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.
My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
I don’t need to go to Christian Mingle to find God’s match for me because I already know it’s pizza
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
[walks date home]
HER: Wanna come up for a nightcap?
ME: I gotta work early
HER: I have 2 dogs
ME:[already running up stairs like Rocky]
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.
He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.
WWE is French for “yes”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Everybody always says never go to bed angry, but nobody told my husband never let your wife go to Target angry. He learned this the hard way.
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.