Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
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my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
I love how every airline is like “not to brag, but we actually clean the planes now.”
I told my son to go pick up the dog poop and he slowly looked at his dad, “I would if the lawn was mowed.” He got real brave with that.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Boss: You’re always late…
Me: You are totally obsessed with me aren’t you
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Ask your doctor if Drugs™ are right for you. If he says no give him a wedgie and stuff him in a locker he is a nerd.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Me: *grins* Couldn’t help but notice you checking me out.
Girl: Yeah, I’m a cashier at a grocery store. That’s my job.