People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
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Nine out of ten people aren’t the tenth person.
Me: We appreciate things to the extent that we’re deprived of them. To put it another-
Wife: You ate my chocolate cake, didn’t you?
Me: Yes.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Worst perfume name ever.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who found out you used her face towel as a hand towel
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
OH. COME. ON.
Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.