People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
You Might Also Like
I get so excited when Facebook tells me there are hot singles in my city who want to meet me. Maybe they want to babysit!
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
[sideline]
QB: So extra point or conversion?
COACH: Hmm…conversion[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QB: Are you ready to accept Jesus into your life?
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
Found a cookie and a missing sock when I took her bra off
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
Today is the day I write something beautifully profound
No. That was it. I’m going back to bed
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me when my alarm goes off
*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.