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Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
#AmITheOnlyOneWhoEnjoys going to “grodge” sales ?
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
just shot off an email a split second before I realized I said “lick the link below”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
I always carry a PEBBLE with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in November…
I call it my jingle bell rock.