*aliens come to earth to steal our water*
[cut to]
*aliens running out of store with like fifteen evian bottles they didn’t pay for*
You Might Also Like
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Me: What’s for dinner?
Shawn: Prawns
Shaun: Prauns
Sean: Preans
When you hear those 4 awful words:
‘Break into small groups’
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Don’t put off until tomorrow what you can drink today.
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.