I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
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Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
In all honesty, my new dating service, “Well You’re Not So Great Yourself” hasn’t really taken off like I’d hoped.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night