If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
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Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
I’m not stressed
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
The Moon: *shines through my window at night and doesn’t let me sleep*
[Next Night]
Me: *pointing a flashlight at the moon* haha take that you piece of shit
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I think this cat is broken
[looking at wife’s tombstone]
today would’ve been our anniversary
*falls to knees*
why did I pre-buy her tombstone causing her to divorce me
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
How many different animals did we have to jump on the backs of before we discovered horses were cool with it?
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!